


NOBODY expects the Marichat Inquisition!

by Draxynnic



Series: Monty Python's Miraculous Circus [1]
Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Gabriel Is Done, Inspired by Monty Python, Straight man Gabriel, and nothing but the crack, crack reveals are the best reveals, in more than one way, the crack, the whole crack, what's a fourth wall?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-26
Updated: 2018-04-26
Packaged: 2019-04-28 03:47:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14440782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Draxynnic/pseuds/Draxynnic
Summary: Gabriel did not expect the Marichat Inquistion.





	NOBODY expects the Marichat Inquisition!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PerditaAlottachocolate](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PerditaAlottachocolate/gifts).



> Originally inspired by a note on Chapter 17 of PerditaAlottachocolate's work ["April Weather"](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14185776/chapters/32698707) \- the original (and much briefer) form of this can be found in the comments on that chapter. However, my inner silly just couldn't resist expanding it out.
> 
> (Considering that that this is inspired from an offhand comment and not from the body of the work itself, though, I was unsure as to whether it was appropriate to mark this as being 'inspired by'.) 
> 
> Enjoy!

With a tap on the screen, Gabriel moved on to the next akuma.

He had known all along, from his deciphering of the book of the Miraculous, that he could record what his akumas experienced onto his cane. However, the screen on his cane was too small for a detailed review, and the book had been written at a time when there was no other comparable technology for it to interface to. It had taken a lot of experimentation, and a lot of persuasive effort against his increasingly rebellious kwami, to figure out a way to download the feed into his own computers, but now that he had, it was time to review the data for anything that might help identify his adversaries.

Gabriel paused the feed as a glob of icecream impacted a shield created from a spinning staff, signalling the start of Glaciator’s encounter with the so-called heroes. Rewinding the feed to before the frozen projectile was launched, Gabriel zooms in on the candle-lit balcony.

Sure enough, there was the girl that had set the conditions for the ice-cream seller’s akumatisation. Gabriel had become quite familiar with her during the review – Marinette was her name, he remembered from Adrien’s introduction during the hat competition. She was the only one in his son’s class, apart from Adrien himself of course, that he was yet to successfully akumatise, and from what he’d seen of her natural intelligence, creativity, and level head during a crisis, he had a suspicion that if he did manage to land an akuma on her, she’d be the best Champion yet.

That, or as he was increasingly beginning to suspect, the girl would turn out to be protected against the akuma because she was wearing a Miraculous of her own, and he’d have finally identified Ladybug. Win-win. 

For now, though, he was more interested in who she was with. Sure enough, there was the black-clad superhero who he had suspected of being Adrien. From the way the two were standing close to one another, and the candles that illuminated the balcony they were on with a romantic light, it appeared that the two had been sharing an intimate moment before the Glaciator attacked.

 _Huh,_ Gabriel thought, thinking back on the media’s tendencies to create relationship names by merging the names of the partners together (his had been Gabrilie) before musing aloud: “I didn’t expect the Marichat…”

As if on cue, the door to his office burst open. “ _ **Nobody**_ expects the Marichat!”

_What._

Sure enough, there was the pair, at the now-open door to his office. How _did_ they get in?

“Our chief weapon is surprise!” the black-clad, so-called hero continues.

“Surprise and pins,” the girl adds, holding up a pin in thumb and forefinger so that light gleamed off the sharp point.

“Pins and surprise,” the cat-themed hero agrees, giving a fond look in her direction as Gabriel surreptitiously presses a panic button under his desk. While it was clearly too late to lock down the house, Nathalie or his son’s bodyguard should arrive soon to remove this disturbance.

“Our two weapons are pins and surprise.” Gabriel’s eyes narrow as the girl continues this strange routine. He knew that his son believed he had no sense of humour, but he _recognised_ this script. Did Adrien put them up to this?

“And awesome puns,” the wearer of the Cat Miraculous added, receiving a dirty look from his companion. Gabriel was aware that the black cat had used Adrien’s windows as a means into the mansion before. If Adrien was involved, it would explain how they got in.

“Our **three** weapons are pins, surprise, and _terrible_ puns.” It was clear that the girl appreciated Chat’s puns about as much as Ladybug did. Interesting. 

“And an almost fanatical devotion to Ladybug.” From what Gabriel had seen, the superhero wasn’t lying. The girl who might or might not be Ladybug rolls her eyes as she picks up her line.

“Our four… no… **Amongst** our weapons…” How long had the two been listening in waiting for their cue? What else had they overheard?

“Amongst our weaponry…” Chat Noir continues, “are such elements as pins, surprise…” Did they have multiple scripts planned out? If he’d said something different, would they be screaming about pining for the fjords about now?

“We’ll come in again,” the designer girl abruptly decides, pulling Chat back through the door by his tail.

Gabriel knew he really should have kept quiet. He really should not have fed them another line. But somehow, what was supposed to be in his thoughts alone slipped out through his mouth. “I really didn’t expect th…”

“NOBODY expects the Marichat! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: pins, surprise, awesome puns, and almost fanatical devotion to Ladybug, and spiffy outfits… oh, d-“

“CHAT!!!” Marinette interrupts before Chat could complete a word that would surely up the rating of this strange charade. Well, from what Gabriel had seen of her work, he wasn’t wrong about the outfits. The girl had potential. If he didn’t have her arrested and incarcerated for home invasion first.

Just where were his assistant and bodyguard, and why weren’t they here to clear them out already?

“I can’t say it.” Chat looks back towards the door. “You’ll have to say it.”

“What?” comes a voice from the corridor outside that Gabriel recognised.

“You’ll have to say the bit about ‘Our chief weapons are…’” Yes, that was the bad influence peering around the door at Chat with a horrified expression. This just kept getting better and better…

“I couldn’t do that…” What was his name – Nino or something – responded as Chat pushed him back out of sight.

Gabriel stared the petite raven-haired girl that had remained in his office down. He had fed these clowns their line before, he was _not_ going to participate in this farce and do so again.

So of course she had to helpfully supply it herself, flicking a thumb in Gabriel’s direction with a smirk. “He didn’t expect the Marichat…”

Sure enough, in came the infuriating superhero, pushing in an obviously reluctant Nino. “Dude, nobody… Dude?”

“Expects…” Chat helpfully supplies.

“Expects…” the music-boy continues with a panicked look in his eyes. “Nobody expects the… _dude…_ the Mari… dude?”

“Chat.” The girl adds.

“I know, I know!” The would-be DJ assures his partners in annoyance. “Nobody expects the Marichat. In fact, those who do expect –“

“Our chief weapons are…” Chat prompts gently.

“Our chief weapons are… duuuude…” From the look on his face, Gabriel wasn’t sure if Nino was genuinely forgetting what he was supposed to say or whether he was a better actor than he had thought.

“Surprise…” Chat stage-whispers.

“Surprise and –“

“Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there – stop there. Stop. _Phew!_ ” If this _wasn’t_ scripted, the would-be designer girl had obviously had enough. “Ah! Our chief weapons are surprise… blah blah blah. Chloe, read the charges.”

Wait, so the Mayor’s brat was here too?

Sure enough, the blonde strode in like she owned the place, reading from a notepad. “You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates release akumas against the city of Paris.” 

It was a good thing that Gabriel held back from speaking the word that immediately came to mind on hearing that. It would _definitely_ have raised the rating.

“My father, _the Mayor_ , said to follow the…”

“That’s enough.” Marinette snapped, turning back to Gabriel. “Now, how do you plead?”

Maybe he could bluff his way out of this? “I’m innocent, of course.”

Chat bursts out in sarcastic laughter, while the former Bubbler appears to visibly muster all the bravado he could gather before speaking. “We’ll soon change your mind about that!”

The girl who might well be Ladybug gives a triumphant smile. “Pins, surprise, and apparently fanatical…” She cuts herself short with a glance at the boy who is possibly her partner. “Oooh. Now, Chloe – the rack!”

Surely these kids and self-appointed superheroes weren’t going to resort to torture? Gabriel carefully schools his expression, hiding both the spark of fear and the relief on remembering just where they had apparently gained their inspiration as Chloe drags something out from the corridor.

Was that… a cosmetics rack? _Figures._

“You… Right!” Marinette points to her male companions. “Tie him down.”

Gabriel sighs in resignation as the superhero and his son’s friend – who his son would _definitely_ never see again if he got out of this with his identity intact – haul him out of the chair and drag him across the rack.

It might not have been a medieval torture device, but it certainly wasn’t _pleasant_.

“Right!” The girl, who was fast becoming Gabriel’s least favourite person even if she _wasn’t_ Ladybug, demanded. “How do you plead?”

“This is completely absurd, and I am, of course, innocent.” Gabriel responds, fervently wishing that his staff would respond to the panic button he had pressed several times before being pulled out of his chair and just _get here already_.

“Ha! Right! Nino, give the rack…” Marinette gives an exaggerated sigh. “Oh dear. Give the rack a turn.”

“I…” The boy gestures helplessly to the side of the rack.

Marinette grits her teeth. “I _know_ , I know you can’t. I didn’t want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore Chloe’s crass mistake.”

“My _**what?!?**_ ” The diva’s shrill objection is a worse torture than Gabriel’s less-than-comfortable position.

“It makes it all seem so stupid.” Marinette mourns. Gabriel can’t disagree. If it wasn’t for the fear that they had genuinely found him out rather than this all being some elaborate prank, in fact, he would call it completely imbecilic from the start. 

“Shall I?” Chat, apparently faster on the uptake when it comes to ways that ‘giving the rack a turn’ could be interpreted, mimes picking up the rack and spinning it in the air. 

“No, just pretend for Fu’s sake.” The girl instructs. Gabriel glances sideways – sure enough, there’s Adrien’s silly soon-to-be-ex-friend, turning an imaginary handle on the side of the cosmetics rack.

Wait… who is this Fu she mentioned? Was that the Guardian?

“Now, Gabriel…” Chat speaks up, “…you are accused of Miraculous abuse on three counts – abuse by thought, abuse by word, abuse by deed and abuse by action… **four** counts. Do you confess?”

“I don’t understand what I’m accused of.” Gabriel bluffs.

“Ha! Then we’ll _make_ you understand!” Marinette exclaims. “Nino! Fetch… THE PINCUSHIONS!”

Well, that explains the ‘pins’ part, Gabriel reflects as hat-boy pauses the turning of the imaginary crank to extract a pair of pincushions from his pockets.

“Now, Gabriel…” the possible Ladybug takes over the interrogation, “…you have one last chance. Confess the heinous crime of being Hawkmoth, relinquish your Miraculous - _two_ last chances. And you shall be free - _three_ last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Gabriel was now getting pretty sure the game was up – and _surely_ his staff had been detained somewhere, otherwise they would be here by now, this was increasingly looking to have been planned in advance – but he wasn’t going to reveal himself until he was absolutely certain.

“Right! If that’s the way you want it!” Marinette exclaims. “Nino! Poke him with the pincushions!”

That might actually have been an effective torture if the sharp ends of the pins had been pointing _outwards_. Instead, it was only a mild discomfort, particularly compared to being laid out across a cosmetic rack, which the suited-up superhero still looked like he was itching to pick up and spin in the air. Almost as if Chat was taking this more personally than the others…

“It doesn’t seem to be bothering him, my lady.” Chat speaks.

Wait. Gabriel had reviewed enough of the footage to know – that was what he called Ladybug. From the sidelong look that the designer girl was giving her partner… yes, he had definitely said something he shouldn’t. That confirms that, then.

“Have you got all the pins concentrated at one end?”

“Yes, dude.” Nino assures her, holding up the pincushions for Marinette to angrily tear from his grasp and hurl away.

“Hm! He is made of harder stuff! Chloe! Fetch… THE COMFY CHAIR!”

Chloe’s face pales, as Nino departs instead to push in a large, overly stuffed armchair. “The… Comfy Chair?” the rich girl asks in a horrified tone.

Gabriel recognised the chair. It normally sat in his waiting room.

“So you think you are strong because you can survive the pincushions.” If-That-Isn’t-Ladybug-Gabriel-Would-Swallow-His-Miraculous observes. “Well, we shall see. Chat! Put him in the Comfy Chair!”

That cat _definitely_ had a grudge, from the way he roughly manhandled Gabriel off the rack and into the chair (it was, indeed, quite comfy, even if the circumstances were not). Was it just because they were enemies or was there a reason why the cat seemed particularly upset with him?

“Now…” The girl leans over him, with a triumphant grin that is _definitely_ Ladybug’s, “you will stay in the Comfy Chair until midnight, with only a cup of coffee at eleven.” She turns to Nino and stage-whispers. “Is that really all it is?”

“Yes, dude.”

“I see.” The dark-haired girl looks thoughtful. “I suppose we could make it worse by shouting a lot, can we? Confess, Gabriel.” The others in the room pick up the chant, raising a racket that would _surely_ have brought Nathalie and the Gorilla running if they had somehow missed the repeated times that Gabriel had pressed the panic button before. “Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess!”

“I confess!” Nooroo's timid voice pipes up over the shouting, the butterfly kwami rising up from behind the desk.

“Et tu, Nooroo?” Gabriel asks, knowing that if this band of kids and superheroes didn’t know he was Hawkmoth before, they _certainly_ did now. But if he could fight his way out of this one and claim their Miraculouses, it wouldn’t matter. “Transformez-moi!” Gabriel calls out, drawing the traitorous kwami into his Miraculous.

Was there an echo in here?

Sure enough, the newly transformed Hawkmoth looked around to find that there were now a total of five Miraculous superheroes in the room in addition to himself.

Wait…

Five?

“Did you get all that?” Ladybug asks, smugly.

“Already uploaded to the Ladyblog and sent directly to Lieutenant Raincomprix and the Mayor.” A fox-themed woman that Gabriel vaguely recognised from the Sapotis incident responded from close to the door, placing a phone with a dangling ladybug decoration onto the cosmetics rack and lifting a flute from her back for combat.

It was a good thing the recording was already uploaded. The word Hawkmoth uttered in response to the revelation that the whole thing was on a video that had already gone public was one that Alya _probably_ would not have wanted on the Ladyblog.

**Author's Note:**

> BONUS
> 
> At the end of the trial, the jury was unanimous on two things.
> 
> First, that Gabriel was guilty of being Hawkmoth.
> 
> And second, that the video which condemned him was the most ludicrous exhibit to have ever been presented in a courtroom.


End file.
